I laughed, I loved, I lived it all
Fearing the day you’d make the “goodbye” call,
But that one day when I lie forever in the sand,
Oh, I just want you to hold my hand.
You might earn yourself the title of being ‘romantic’ by living in your fantasy world, but turning a blind eye to reality when its staring at you in the face, can only be termed ‘foolish’.
What had started five months ago as a beautiful dream, now, seemed plain and simply- foolish! Perhaps, because the dream was shattered, and I had been woken up from my siesta to confront the bitterest reality of my life; the man I was in love with was, in fact, attracted to one of my closest friends. The seeds had been sown long time ago and I had been supplied many hints to that effect. However, seeing life from the rose-tinted glasses, I had chosen not to believe the evident.
“I need you as a friend more than anything else just now,” he had said, a while ago…
That had been followed by his ever assuring, “I have always told you, there is no future for us together.”
And what finally jolted me to reality; the casually spoken, “Yes, I am attracted to your friend.”
These noncommittally spoken last few words had ensured that the array of emotions that I experienced for the man, ‘rest in peace’ forever. As I lay on my bed that night, I felt a vague emptiness within; an inexplicable void, that prevented me from thinking anything. I twisted uneasily, wondering why I couldn’t unleash the safely guarded tears and relieve the tension within. There were no answers, yet again!
But today, as I think about the whole situation, I am not prepared to live in the ambiguity that surrounded my relationship with the man. As he had always been so ‘honest’ with me, having nothing more to lose, it was time I faced the situation just as boldly. My worst fear of losing the man I loved had already been realised, and in a manner that could not have been any worse.
As I look for answers, the most significant of them all surges to my mind. The fact that my eyes were dried of any weeping tools that night, was simply because the situation wasn’t worth my lacrimation. I had loved the man in all sincerity and having done no wrong, there was nothing there to repent about! Carefully sifting through the days I had spent with him, I have discovered that contrary to my belief, I had barely known the man. I had believed him when he had said he cared… Did I say ‘cared’? Yes, of course he did…He cared enough about my friend to not get into a relationship with her, envisaging no future, but he didn’t even think about me once before conveniently getting in and out of something that meant so much to me. I’m sure he’d take pride in proclaiming himself the “B^%$*@D” that people supposedly refer to him as, but was this the man I was longing to be with forever?
A man who didn’t care for me at all! Had he ever considered me a friend, to begin with? Why was it that he had only hurt me all along, then? Why had it never occurred to me that being the second woman in his life was the worst thing that I had done to myself? I had given up every bit of my ego to be with him, and he had in turn, only bruised my little heart that had never been so savagely treated by any other. Where had I gone wrong? Perhaps, because I made the mistake of believing…
Today, as I sit down to write about the man I loved, in retrospect, I realise that I have learnt a lot about myself. I had never thought myself capable of loving someone with so much intensity; infact, I had always considered myself incapable of loving anyone. I had never thought I could trust anyone so blindly as I trusted him! And lastly, the most important of them all, I have learnt to love only when you are loved in return.
While that spells hope for me in the future, I need to dig deeper and ensure that all the emotions of this relationship are buried forever… Although it seems almost impossible at this point in time, I dare to use the cliché, that “Time Will Wipe Out The Pain.”
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