We were poles apart; in fact, if there could be a complete opposite for me, it had to be him. It was no wonder then, that there had been instant attraction.
Thirteen months ago, when I had met the man for the first time, I hadn’t expected anything to come from the meeting. Intelligent and smooth—yes, those were my first impressions of the man who had casually taken the entire rendezvous through, without any of my usual nervousness and discomfort on being alone with a stranger.
But it hadn’t stopped at that! We met again, and again, and again… We would meet after office hours, run errands together, and catch up for a ride by the sea-face— all to just get a glimpse of each other during the day. The process had begun. I was headed for the inevitable, preferring to ignore it; but I told you there was attraction, didn’t I?
That was Phase I… I choose to refer to it more appropriately as the “process”, one that diverted my life off the highway to one of unexpected peaks and dips—a thorough emotional roller coaster. It was time for Phase II… This one’s aptly called “reality strikes!”
Meeting up everyday was no longer the norm; in fact, it was taboo, lest he got bored!
It’s one thing to know that the one you love doesn’t feel the same way for you, but it isn’t easy to come to terms with the fact that you hold no real meaning in the person’s life, either.
“We’ll be very unhappy together,” he’d tell me. When he first mentioned that, I couldn’t help but think of the pace at which things had moved for him. While I had barely managed to get a grip on how I felt for this man, he had completed a mental analysis of our future together (rather the lack of it); but then, he had always been the faster one! My insecurity was cited as the reason for the conclusion that had been drawn. I accepted it! I had no choice, but to do so. There was no room for debate when he had made up his mind. I, for sure, wasn’t one who could help him look at things from a different perspective.
Actually, I had never even given our future even a thought after the first few attempts when curiosity got the better of me and I asked him how he had made up his mind without even giving it a chance. “… Because I don’t want it to work out,” he had said. Mindless questions sure did deserve ruthlessly honest answers like this one.
Having been strictly instructed to not regard him as my boy friend (that we did everything that a couple would, doesn’t hold much significance here, I believe) I made a conscious effort to not expect anything from him. Of course, being human (and being the rather emotional variety didn’t do much good), I slipped on multiple occasions only to be reminded again.
On one such occasion, when I had asked him why we were together in spite of no future, “you were more persistent than the others” is what he had said. The impact that those words left on my mind is one that’s difficult to negate. Reality had indeed struck a tight slap across my face at that moment. But I lived up to the “persistent” title by still being with him.
Today, as I reflect upon the journey so far, the only simple truth that remains my strongest reality is that I love him. It doesn’t do much to my self-esteem to repeat the three words, knowing fully that I will never get to hear the world famous line in response to them; but I say them anyways. After all, I am but a simple girl who wants to be loved by a man the way I love him.
But then, I’m also Never, which itself implies Not Ever!
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