UNEXPECTED TURNS ...

“I speak to you more than I have spoken to anyone else in my life,” said the voice on the other side of the phone, in complete disbelief. All I could manage was a sigh… All the words in the English language seemed insufficient to explain the intensity of emotions that I was experiencing.

I had met him almost three and a half months ago; a casual meeting over coffee to see if he could help me get a job. And from that day in June, there had been no looking back. We had met at regular intervals, spoken everyday on the telephone, with the exception of days when either he or I had hit the bed without any realisation of the same.

I had graduated from ‑‑‑

“Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! … Did he actually hold my hand???...”

“Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! … Did we actually kiss???…”

To thinking ‑‑‑

“Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Why isn’t he holding my hand??? …”

"Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Doesn't he want to kiss me anymore??? ... "

The journey that started then, many would say, has come a long way, but when I sit down and think about it, I wonder if it really has! Wasn’t it the same anticipation and anxiety, to meet this man sitting across the table, as I feel today, that I felt initially? Even then, I was discovering the man, and yet today, I am doing just the same. I didn’t know what I was doing then, and that, again, stands unchanged. So what are the things that have changed in the “mere” three and a half months, and do I really want the things that haven’t to be any different?

Although the same cloud of uncertainty hovers around us, I feel more secure when I am with him. I once had a friend tell me, “the worst feeling in the world is sitting besides someone you like, knowing that you can never have them forever”… And just the quote, had then brought tears to my eyes; but today, as I live the quote, my eyes have gone dry, refusing to cooperate with my heart. This dysfunction can be solely attributed to forceful restraint on the leash of emotions--a pre-requisite to get to know this man.

The first few meetings had made an impression about the man on my mind. I was aware, that having a way with words, he could charm anything remotely female, and maintain his spell until he decided it was about time the poor enchanted creature was relieved. You would know about the man, only as much as he was willing to tell you. A complete entertainer and a killer for older women, this man had a recipe that made him delectable to everyone who got as little as a tongue to him…(pun intended)…

Convincing myself that I was free from all forms of human charm, I went all out and took the risk of getting to know him, what remained to be seen was whether I could stand my ground or give in to his charm.

As I sit back and rethink my resolve, I can’t help but laugh at myself. The very fact, that I sit down to write about “US”, suffices to explain what I feel for him cause it makes him worth my time and brain space, that I would not have wasted on any one else. I was indeed naïve, to believe that I wouldn’t end up falling for this man myself. He has been a part of my every day that I have lived since I first met him…

But the ambiguity of his presence in my life leaves many questions unanswered; questions I don’t want to know the answers to… Perhaps, because the thumb rule of our friendship had been, ‘living for the moment’, and the deep-rooted fear lying in my heart, stems from acknowledging the fact that I have violated the rule from day one.