It has been almost seven months since I first embarked on this emotional roller coaster and some ride it has been!!! I had almost seen a “THE END” sign flashing before my eyes two months ago, only to realise that I was being pulled back by the delicate strings that bonded us together and refused to give way under the tension…
What had started seven months ago, as a beautiful dream had seemed plain and simply- foolish four and a half months thence! Perhaps, because the dream was shattered, and I had been woken up from my siesta to confront the bitterest reality of my life; the man I was in love with was, in fact, attracted to one of my closest friends. The seeds had been sown long time ago and I had been supplied many hints to that effect. However, seeing life from the rose-tinted glasses, I had chosen not to believe the evident.
“I need you as a friend more than anything else just now,” he had said, a while ago…
That had been followed by his ever assuring (???), “I have always told you, there is no future for us together. What I share with you is nothing at all compared to what I have had in the past with others…”
And what finally jolted me to reality; the casually spoken, “Yes, I am attracted to your friend.”
As I lay on my bed that night, I had felt a vague emptiness within- an inexplicable void that had prevented me from thinking of anything. I had twisted uneasily, wondering why I couldn’t unleash the safely guarded tears and relieve the tension within. I attributed my lack of tears that night to the fact that the situation wasn’t worth my lacrimation. I had loved the man in all sincerity and having done no wrong, there was nothing there to repent about!
When I woke up the next morning, the realisation that I had always been an “option” for him dawned upon me; an option he chose to exercise when he didn’t have anything better to do…
In the days that followed, there was only more emotional adventure lined up for me… He developed this sudden dislike for my friend he was attracted to, over a trivial incident, and the dislike died out just as abruptly as it has stemmed. However, what seemed most inappropriate was that the entire episode had, in some inexplicable manner, worked to bring me closer to him than ever before. He had moved over from merely being the ‘attraction’ to the friend that I really like and more importantly ‘needed’. The frequent meetings had reduced to only the salsa turns on Tuesdays and Thursdays but conversation between us had never been better. I learnt not to expect anything from him and that arrangement suited him just fine. He seemed to be recovering from his “bored” disposition as well.
But I mentioned the emotional roller coaster to you, didn’t I? It was time once again for another dip from the high…
When the majority of the talking that you do in a day is to the same person, there is bound to be some attraction towards that other… And it was this realisation that led the downhill journey from my destination “High on Friendship” to the darker depths of unpleasant emotions that kept throbbing in my mind, reminding me that I would always be the LAST OPTION for him.
Carefully sifting through the days I have spent with him, I can point out only a day or two when he had chosen to spend time with me in spite of having other things to do. Perhaps I ought to be blamed for that in a way too because I have always made myself available to him whenever he has proposed that we meet up. I had, long before, already resolved to not expect any display of emotion or concern from him, for me. However, multiple incidents that encouraged me to think otherwise only ended to reiterate my belief in the resolution. Removing time for me has been last on the list of priorities. Promises have been made in vain and forgotten almost all at once. In spite of this persistent feeling of being an option, I could never see myself saying NO to an opportunity to see him…
However, the situation reached its lowest ebb today, when I sensed the uncomfortable vibes again after almost two and a half months; the vibes that had threatened me with a “THE END” signal, those that had shattered my dream and woken me up to face reality, the vibes that conveyed to me that he no longer needed me to be around… These vibes are strong and it’s probably only a matter of fifteen days till I hear the candidly spoken “Yes, I am attracted to…” from him once again. As destiny would have it, I am once again standing at the crossroads where I need to make up my mind about the path to tread to be happy, a path that does not require me to lose my friend in the bargain…
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